If its not one thing it’s another. My area of struggle right now is my eating. I am always dissatisfied with my weight but what I am most discouraged about is the way I use food to cope with my stress and anxiety. I have been actively trying to be aware of my anxiety as it surfaces so that I can continue to implement healthy coping mechanisms. With food however, I can never seem to have/maintain a healthy relationship with it.
I have used food ever since I was a little kid. In fact, one of my childhood abusers would take me out for fastfood after every “encounter” which I believe is where my habit skyrocketed. I associated food with gratitude that hell was over. As an adult, I continue to use food as a safe haven and as a tool to bring “relief,” which is never lasting. I used food to cope with the break up, stress of school, dealing with the bipolar diagnosis, every negative emotion I was having. Another issue is that I use it I also use it as a reward or celebration. Basically every emotion I have I turn to food.
I’ve had bouts of “heathly” living if that is measured by weight. It was not healthy. I am an extreme person and if I’m not binging my brains out I am exercising my body out and constricting my food. In fact, a few years ago, after a tortuous break up, I got my act together. I started eating healthy and working out, HARDCORE. So intensely I had multiple fractures in my legs and a torn ligament from overuse. If thats not a good glimpse into my personality then I don’t know what is. I was so blinded by my emotional pain I overlooked I welcomed my physical pain. I should have realized that something was seriously wrong when every morning I woke up I collapsed to the floor because of the excruciating pain I felt when my legs bore the rest of my body. Anyway, this resulted into mainly complications and basically I was non-weight bearing for over a year. I almost had to get surgery to insert a metal rod inside my lower leg bones so they could heal. Fortunately the alternative treatment worked. The 80 pounds I bust my butt to lose have come back in surplus. I’m definitely a bigger girl but fortunately my body shape helps me to “wear it well” if you can wear and excess on 90 pounds well.
This book I am reading called, Made to Crave, is opening my eyes to how much I put my relationship with food before others. It’s pretty much the only thing that if someone told me to I had to “quit” I don’t know that I could. I wish I could talk to E about this but I’m afraid to. It’s not that I hide this part of me, I talk to people who also struggle with this, pretty much on a regular basis but not the one person who could possibly help me.
My goal isn’t to lose weight to feel beautiful, fit into my skinny close or get the person I lust after. Lets face it, sex is not hard to find unfortunately. My goal is FEEL healthy because I believe when I tackle getting comfortable in my own skin, the rest will follow. I want to find healthy and lasting love. I want my bipolar symptoms to be more at bay with a healthy lifestyle.
My homework from E this week is to continue to work on my acceptance of things and how the are in the moment and see what comes my way.
My challenge this week is to do self care acts 3x a day. Thus including hygiene, writing/blogg ing, getting my higher power on, cleaning/chores, beach, long walk, laying on the grass in the park and staring up through the trees, art, play with my K’Nex, etc. For who ever is reading this, I challenge you to make a list of activities that make your soul feel better and challenge you to do some of things on a daily basis for the rest of this week!