Frustration Nation

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I’m about to finish up week two of my lifestyle change and I’m beginning to get really fed up. I know that my progress thus far has been good but I’m upset about this week. I weighed myself this morning which was a stupid idea. My weigh in days are Wednesday’s and when I jump the gun like this I easily get discouraged. I’m trying to focus on the positive but it’s really difficult when I’m not getting the results I want EXACTLY how I want them. This weeks weigh in is not going to be the one I had hoped for and that needs to be ok…. Somehow.

I feel like I’m traversing a canyon, trying to gain my footing, but with one foot still on the ground I have nowhere to go but up. Eye on the prize.

Humble Pie

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Today’s work out with Trainer included functional movement training and HIIT. The HIIT training was 400m on the ergometer then 12 thrusters. Repeat 4x. Now… In my “glory days” of being and athlete, this would be nothing… a warm up maybe! I am not that athlete anymore… So this shit owned my fucking ass until I was a little bitch baby crying on the last 5 thrusters … But I did it and damn I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I didn’t quit. Everyday I am feeling stronger. I can push just a little bit more and it feels sooo good to be moving in any direction, but even more so, in a POSITIVE direction.

Still suffering from my inner winter and getting to the gym, my head was not in the game. I was falling during squats, unfocused, just praying for some life threatening ailment to prevent me from having to continue with our training session. Then Trainer took me aside and told me to talk about why my head wasn’t in it. Our heart to heart made things just click for me (today). I suddenly saw life through different eyes (if only for a second) and my idea of my self worth completely shifted. Even though I finished in tears of pain (and joy) I completed it. I wish I could say that I believed in myself and that’s why I finished but I can’t. What I can say is that I believed that Trainer believes in me and sees something that at this point in training/life, I am unable to see but (sometimes) hope is there. I guess at the end of the day we just need to trust and believe in something (greater than ourselves) to make it out alive and on the other side.

Dear Bipolar – You Suck. Period.

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Coming off of a success yesterday I feel myself spiraling down. Went to Head Doc this morning for an impromptu sesh because I feel myself heading down a really bad path. Which ultimately was a really great thing because I woke up this morning feeling like total shit. I recently stopped taking Brintallex because it was giving me severe stomach pain. So now I’m worried that since I’m no longer taking that medication am I my headed towards a deep low?

[Stupid Therapy Behavior Modification Exercise]

Event: I am depressed

Feeling: I have no purpose/nothing to do

Behavior: being a little bitch baby, not hungry, sad

Physical reaction: laying in the dark, not eating, tearing up

–THOUGHT/BEHAVIOR CHANGE–

Event: I am not depressed … I am bored

Feeling: If I leave my house and do something I enjoy doing I will no longer feel unhappy

Belief: I believe that this is 30% true/possible

Behavior: going to the beach and reading, go to a coffee shop and write, opening up a textbook and learn something new

Physical reaction: smile, laugh, get some vitamin Ds, skin will warm up from the sun

…. So how do I get myself out of bed?

“All success is fleeting.” We work our asses off everyday. Put in the groundwork to fight the depression, manage the mania and find/stay balanced between.

I try and I try but I always feel scared. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. So how do I turn on the lights?

Week 2

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I lost 6 pounds this week for a total of 15 pounds. Worked out with Trainer today and I could feel the difference. I’ve been sleeping better but am a bit more bitchy… Sorry K! After my first workout with Trainer I thought I was going to never be able to walk again. This second session…. Well I hope that it’s not another 4 days before I can walk again!

Stalker Status

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I’m engaging in some serious stalking of my ex, the girl she cheated on me with and my exes ex-wife. I have my ex blocked but apparently she started another Facebook page for her private practice. I had a momentary panic of, “can she now see my page from this new page?” I tried to block this new page but it won’t let me. Hopefully it is just an extension of her preexisting page…I don’t know. Can you say destructive much? I can be a real dumb ass.

Thank God people can’t see how many times you search their page… If I’m mistaken pleas don’t tell me. Ignorance is bliss.

“Why do we keep hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer? Oh yeah, because it feels so good when we stop.” – Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)

Remembrance

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I woke up this morning very angry and frustrated. Another childhood friend of mine is getting married and I have been struggling with wanting to go to her wedding. We had a falling out right before high school and I have always wanted to distance myself from her ever since. I never really took the time to identify why.

We used to be best friends, inseparable. Then one year in primary school my father decided to uproot our family and move us to another city about 45 minutes away. That following year, as my family began to settle in and I was finding my place, my dad decided to move us back. So we moved back and everything different. My best friend replaced me and she lead our group of friends in a crusade to be very mean and cruel to me. Fast forward a year, we were all on friendly terms and I was back in the group. Or so I thought.

Our school did these outdoor education trips and every year I was never with them in their cabin. Three of my “best friends” were on the student government who helped the adults decided rooming… Once again they were freezing me out. Each year this was really devastating for me. In eighth grade I came to find out that those three friends where hanging out with kids from a different school. My city is so small that we don’t have a high school so we get to choose between two high schools in the neighboring cities. When high school came around those three friends ditched me. I found my way and made new friends and all was well but I don’t think subconsciously I ever really let that go. All this was more than 8 years ago and began around 15 years ago.

I resent her for all the mean things she did to me and for not understanding. It wasn’t my choice to leave everything and I didn’t want to go. Her dad and my dad are really good friends and our families are friends so over the years they have done lots of things together. Our families would go out to dinner together and if I knew she was in town and going I would bail. I never really knew or understood why I felt such extreme a version toward her. I guess on some level I feel like I’ve never really fit in socially. Mind you, I’ve always had friends and was in a popular group. Since that year I was never openly harassed or may fun of but I never really have felt like I fit in. I played the part so I wasn’t a weirdo outwardly but I was very unhappy. I still am. I have a hard time with people and I wish I was an extrovert. My parents taught me “how to be” in social situations but inwardly it is really forced and feels unnatural to me. I’m glad that she is happy and marrying a guy who seems absolutely terrific (and gay I think) but I don’t want any part of it. I send them peace and love but that’s all I can and am willing to give to her.

(My BP Process) I Selfishly Hate Your Wedding, Sorry

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PREFACE: K & A, I love you both and I wish you a lasting and loving marriage. You both are amazing people and I wish you nothing but the best!

MY Bipolar Process …

Hypomanic me – Fuck. Fuck this fucking shit. Congratulations! You’re happy. You love each other. WE FUCKING GET IT. This better fucking not be a dry fucking wedding. If so, I’m going to fucking kill myself. I don’t even have a fucking date. Oh well, now I can just leave with one of the other idiots there! FUCK I need a damn gift? What’s the fucking registry say? Yes, I like that, and that, oh man and that, SOLD! What the fuck do I wear? Where’s that whorish black number that covers my ass but shows off my tits. Who says tits? Cheesy fucking dudes in pornos, that’s who. Porn. PORN. Who or whom? Never fucking know. What ever. How the fuck am I getting down there? Who fucking cares.. Whom fucking cares? Aw fuck. Fuck fucking weddings. Just fuck um’.

Depressed me – Ugh. I have nothing to wear (tear). Now I have to go shopping. Damn it. I have to go out in public, to a mall, to stand in front of a huge ass HD mirror and try on a shit ton of clothes to find one fucking dress (more tears). It wont be an easy journey of course. Other than standing partially naked in front of this lovely mirror from hell, I have to be humbled by learning my true size. Since it’s been forever and a day since I last tried on clothes, these size “X” on my jeans are now probably 2 – 3 sizes bigger. Why do old worn clothes tend to “grow” with you? I want to go in sweats. I’m not wearing heels. Forget make up. Thank god I have short hair. I don’t want to go. Oh crap, I forgot a gift (even more tears). Why does this always happen to me? I’ll just give B half and put my name on the card. Maybe I can pretend to be really sick and not go (tears stop). Maybe I’ll get in an accident on the way and not be able to make it (a glimmer of hope). Am I seriously wishing to be in a car accident (tears again)? What the fuck is wrong with me (lots of chocolate)?

Medicated me – Ok, it’s Wednesday, I should probably start the outfit search now so I not stressing later. A gift. I could get something off the registry. She told me she really just wants cash… Is that tacky? Who cares, she said she wants cash and that’s easy. I’ll stop by CVS on the way home from the mall and pick up some cute expensive card. It’s a Christian wedding so I can Google cliché love Bible verses and that will be my message. All that’s left is to find that email with the time and address of the place and put it in my iCal! Wow that was easy!